Holiday Dietary Rules
December 19, 2010, 8:16 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

*1.* *Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls. **

**2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare.. You cannot
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an
eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It’s later than you think. It will soon be Christmas! **

**3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. **
**
**4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission. **

**5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other
people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? **

**6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. **

**7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
**
**8. Same for pies. Apple**,** **Pumpkin**,** **Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
** **Day**? **

**9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, please, have some
standards! **
**
**10. One final tip: Wear sweatpants/loose fitting clothing. If you are
leaving the party and you can walk without help from a construction
forklift, “you haven’t been paying attention, people!” Re-read tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to
live by: **

**”Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate and drink in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally
worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”** **

Have a great holiday season!!

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Excellent rules – I shall do my very best to abide. Although I find a bit of pre-party snacking can help stretch the stomach out a bit, making room for not only the host’s free food, but their free drinks as well. Also, I have no qualms with making my own little vomitorium in the host’s bathroom if need be. I love eating so much.

Comment by emvandee

Food tastes good for a reason, right? God made food taste good so we’d eat it, and who am I to argue with God?

Comment by rootietoot




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